DEEP BLUE SOMETHING

     Dealing with all the information and decisions keeps your mind off things for a time, but after awhile things have a way of asserting themselves.  

     Depression sets in.  It follows no set time frame or formula.  It can manifest as mild or severe.  It comes and goes without rhyme or reason.

     I have dealt with depression in some form or another for most of my life.  It started in my early teens.  I went through therapy and found ways to deal with it.  The depression never truly went away but I managed to handle it.  So when I was diagnosed with cancer I was not surprised that I became depressed.  

     I was not prepared for the depth and swiftness it hit.  The first time my mind slowed down I went into a tailspin.  My depressive episodes usually feel like I am sinking in a pool,  but this episode felt like I was being forced under water by huge crashing waves over and over.  

     I have been able to deal with the episodes so far because of my history with depression, but I can only imagine how overwhelming the feelings could be to someone who has no experience with depression.  It is very important for the folks who are going through this to understand it is PERFECTLY normal.  Do not be afraid to tell your Doctor about what you are going through, they may even prescribe something to help you get through it.  They may also suggest a therapist to help you. Remember you do not have to be in this alone.  

One Day at a Time

Demipho me provocantes, quando mihi irascor nolis

Dr David Banner

     After I came to terms with the fact that no matter how hard I denied the cancer it was not going to change the reality, I was overwhelmed by a variety of other emotions.  

     I have struggled  my entire life to control anger.  I haven't perfected it yet, but I have gained more control the older I got.  Anger attacked me with a vengeance!  I mean suddenly I went from being a healthy and relatively young man to a very weak and sick man who might not make it out of the hospital.  the worst part of it all was I couldn't find anyone to blame.  I couldn't RAGE against anyone.  It was not the fault of the Doctors or Nurses, or any other living person I could find. A fact that only made the anger worse.

     As I see it, I only really had two choices.  I could keep that anger inside and make myself and everyone around me miserable, or I could release it.  I do believe that anger can be useful when it is used properly.

I could not find any way for this anger to be useful.  This anger would wind up being as poisonous as the cancer.  

     I don't want to mislead you, it has not been easy to release all the anger. I have to deal with the anger daily, but by not giving in to the anger I feel that I have controlled it.  

     I feel that each of us has the power to control our emotions if we want it badly enough.

One Day at a Time

BEATING THE ODDS

     In early June I heard the words no one ever wants to hear....."You have Cancer"

     Yeah,  I had to let that sink in.  I felt that all the air had been sucked from me.  I mean I was as healthy and strong as any horse.  I had no limits, I could work in the heat all day and ask for more.  I was able to walk many miles if needed with no ill effects.  I couldn't have cancer.

CALL ME PHARAOH

     At first I was the "king of de nile".  DENIAL   An ugly word.  No matter how appropriate it is.  It is the first step.  The  feeling is 'no way'  or 'it can't be me" or even 'there must be a mistake'.  I was not allowed the luxury of DENIAL for very long as I was in surgery within a few hours.

     I came out of surgery to find out not only did I have colon cancer but it had spread to my liver.  Talk about a double whammy.  Colon cancer is one of the more treatable types of cancer UNTIL it spreads.  That is when the challenges really begin.

STAGE IV and BEYOND

     As of this writing, my prognosis is somewhat good.  I am still recovering from 2 surgeries that happend within a week of each other.  I also am getting prepared for Chemotherapy to shrink the cancer on my liver so that maybe they can operate again and remove the portion of my liver that has been damaged.  If they can remove that portion of my liver I have a pretty good chance of remission.  For now all I can do is wait and see.  

One Day At a Time